There are no guarantees when a person embarks on the journey of parenthood that their child's future will be anything like the parent had envisioned. Parents make many choices during a child's tender years that will significantly influence how the child develops emotionally, physically, psychologically and spiritually. As a teen, the child begins to make his or her own decisions that greatly impact the life road that child travels. Although there are many uncertainties in life, most parents have a general blueprint of how they see their child's life progressing.
I have no blueprint for my son, Stephen.
As the mother of a child with a disability, one of the most challenging problems I face is knowing what is realistic to expect from my child. Stephen is perfectly content to live in his Asperger's world devoid of any human contact. I often struggle with the dilemma of when do I leave him in his world and when do I force him into mine? I don't want to handicap my son further by never pushing him out of his comfort zone, yet I also know he needs a refuge from social interactions that exhaust him both mentally and emotionally. When do I defy Aspergers and when do I accept it? I never feel comfortable with the decisions I make - always wondering if I'm limiting Stephen's potential or overestimating it.
When you have a child with a disability, the "normal" blueprint is discarded early in life. I learned long ago that Stephen had no interest or talent for playing organized sports. He was never invited for play dates at other children's houses. The only birthday parties he attended were for his younger brother. When I overheard mothers talking about after school or summer plans their children had together, I was painfully reminded that my son was very different than his peers.
I was elated when my son declared in junior high that he was going to college. I knew how much Stephen disliked school and I had worried for years that he would never buy into the idea of continuing his education when it was optional. With his goal of attending college, I saw a future for him that mirrored many of his peers. I finally thought I could see a faint outline of a blueprint for Stephen's life.
That line begun to fade about a month ago. I was talking to a friend about Stephen's plans of graduating from college, moving into his own apartment and getting a job. This friend, who also has a son with Asperger's, challenged me on whether Stephen would be able to live independently and have a career. I was surprised by her skepticism because Stephen was so good about the routine of going to high school and functioning relatively well in that environment. She pointed out that navigating a work environment is very different than attending high school where bullying is not permitted and there are adults to aid Stephen with his deficits.
That conversation shook my confidence that Stephen will be able to support himself when he graduates from college. The maternal longing for my child to live a somewhat "normal" life, led me to minimize Stephen's Asperger's traits that co-workers and bosses may not tolerate. If my son finds employment, will people appreciate his unique personality and abilities or will people prey on his vulnerabilities and make his workplace intolerable?
Having a disabled child never gets easier. As the child grows, so do the challenges that loom in the future. I wish I knew what the future held for my son, but the blueprint for Stephen's life can only be drawn by him.
I have no blueprint for my son, Stephen.
As the mother of a child with a disability, one of the most challenging problems I face is knowing what is realistic to expect from my child. Stephen is perfectly content to live in his Asperger's world devoid of any human contact. I often struggle with the dilemma of when do I leave him in his world and when do I force him into mine? I don't want to handicap my son further by never pushing him out of his comfort zone, yet I also know he needs a refuge from social interactions that exhaust him both mentally and emotionally. When do I defy Aspergers and when do I accept it? I never feel comfortable with the decisions I make - always wondering if I'm limiting Stephen's potential or overestimating it.
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| Stephen, 13, in his own world at the mall |
I was elated when my son declared in junior high that he was going to college. I knew how much Stephen disliked school and I had worried for years that he would never buy into the idea of continuing his education when it was optional. With his goal of attending college, I saw a future for him that mirrored many of his peers. I finally thought I could see a faint outline of a blueprint for Stephen's life.
That line begun to fade about a month ago. I was talking to a friend about Stephen's plans of graduating from college, moving into his own apartment and getting a job. This friend, who also has a son with Asperger's, challenged me on whether Stephen would be able to live independently and have a career. I was surprised by her skepticism because Stephen was so good about the routine of going to high school and functioning relatively well in that environment. She pointed out that navigating a work environment is very different than attending high school where bullying is not permitted and there are adults to aid Stephen with his deficits.
That conversation shook my confidence that Stephen will be able to support himself when he graduates from college. The maternal longing for my child to live a somewhat "normal" life, led me to minimize Stephen's Asperger's traits that co-workers and bosses may not tolerate. If my son finds employment, will people appreciate his unique personality and abilities or will people prey on his vulnerabilities and make his workplace intolerable?
Having a disabled child never gets easier. As the child grows, so do the challenges that loom in the future. I wish I knew what the future held for my son, but the blueprint for Stephen's life can only be drawn by him.
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