Empathy and Asperger's

Empathy is one quality thought to be absent in people with Asperger's Syndrome. Difficulty reading social situations and brutal honesty contribute to the perception that people with Aspergers are insensitive or lack empathy. As the mother of a child with Asperger's, I am frequently reminded of how mistaken those labels are.

Last Thursday was a difficult day and I fought back tears as I prepared dinner for my family. When Stephen came into the kitchen he noticed I was upset and offered to give me a hug. He said reassuringly, "I'm here for you, Mom. Whenever you need me, I'm here for you." My son periodically checked on me throughout the evening to see if I needed another hug. The following morning I discovered he had cleaned the kitchen without being asked - another demonstration of his support during a difficult time.

I have seen many examples of empathy throughout Stephen's life. When my son was three years old, I received news that my mom had been diagnosed with cancer. After hanging up the phone, I sobbed, feeling for the first time the reality of my mother's mortality. My sweet little boy stopped playing with his trains and came over to me, saying, "Don't cry, Mommy. I'll be your friend." Stephen was too young to understand the reason for my tears, yet he clearly showed the desire to comfort me when I was in pain.

Although it isn't unusual for a child to show concern for a parent or sibling, my son also consistently shows a surprising capacity to empathize with complete strangers.

One such incident occurred when Stephen was five years old and he and his younger brother accompanied me to the bank to discuss a matter regarding my account. While my boys played in the lobby, I was shown to the office of a woman whose body was terribly disfigured. The woman did not have any arms and her small deformed hands protruded from her shoulders. I was relieved the boys were preoccupied in the lobby, because I was certain if Stephen saw this woman, she would be the victim of his innocent, yet brutally blunt comments.

The office was behind a glass wall and I nervously kept an eye on Stephen, hoping he wouldn’t notice the woman's deformities and come in to have a closer look. Unfortunately he did notice and entered the office as I held my breath, waiting for the impending disaster to unfold.

“So……,” he began nonchalantly, “I think you look pretty good with those short arms.” I shrank in my seat. The woman, who was noticeably surprised, thanked him for his unusual comment.

I waited for my son to say something completely inappropriate and embarrass me further, when things took a very unexpected turn. He tenderly asked the woman if kids made fun of her at school. When she replied that they did, Stephen's little face clouded over and he said sadly, “Well, I know just how you feel. Kids on the bus make fun of me, too.”

Stephen, 5, waiting for the bus.

Both the woman and I were touched by Stephen's ability to empathize despite his young age. At the time this incident occurred, I was not aware of my son's Asperger's diagnosis and did not fully appreciate the significance of his compassion.

As Stephen has grown I have witnessed countless examples of Stephen's sensitivity to others' feelings. My son's capacity to empathize, despite his Asperger's diagnosis, poignantly illustrates how Asperger's and empathy can coexist.